Insomnia...

Signs

 She looked at him once again. At his luscious lips , in particular. 

Filtered through her dark and beautiful eye lashes, he looked anxious but at peace. Having just poured his heart out, he looked like a man with nothing to lose.

A moment ago, he had just labored his way, through shattering teeth, snapping fingers and quivering lips, to say the three most beautiful yet potentially lethal words in the English language. 

Her lips parted for a brief second, as if to respond,  but she shut them tight. 

She raised her baby finger gently, followed by the synced pointing by her index finger and the thumb. 

Then she paused. So did his breath. The Earth too didn't move in solidarity.

Counting her toes, she slowly harmonized the movement of her thumb and the baby finger and smiled ear to ear!

Their love never needed words. Their lives would never be the hostage of communication.

Original Images - www.lifeprint.com 

Happy New Year

(1)

At 11.59 PM, he leaned over to kiss her. With his eyes closed and lips quivering, all the years spent with the anguish of being on the fringes, leading to this, flashed in his mind. This was his moment to seize.

At 00.00, she raised on her toes, reached for his face and  gave him a peck on the cheek.

And suddenly, January 1, turned into any other day of the year.

There are still 365 days in this year, he thought to himself.

........................................................................................................................................................................

(2)

At 11.59 PM, he looked around the house once again making sure that it was just two of them. It's been years since the kids' room was vacant but he hadn't got used to it. He leaned over to kiss her. With his eyes closed and lips quivering, he felt anxious just like the first time they had kissed. 30 years of marriage had turned them into familiar strangers.

At 00.00, she raised on her toes, reached for his face and  gave him a peck on the cheek.

And suddenly, January 1, turned into any other day of the year.

There are still 365 days in this year, he thought to himself.

........................................................................................................................................................................

(3)

At 11.59 PM, he clenched tightly to his walker, tested the strength of his creaking bones to the maximum, stood up, and walked to her bed. With his eyes closed and lips quivering, he held her hand in his and kissed her.

When medical science has failed, it's his gestures that will wake her up, from the vegetative state, he believed.

She didn't.

And suddenly, January 1, turned into any other day of the year.

There are still 365 days in this year, he thought to himself.

............................................................................................................................................................................

P.S. I would like to credit my friend ARA from But The Words Prevailed  for invaluable inputs

P.P.S. I look up to my peers and readers to  share and promote my work, if they deem it worthy. My sincere thanks and regards to all of you.

The Prologue...

I am a different person when u see me in the day

Happy and busy

Keeping all emotions at bay

But there is something that keeps me up at night

I don't know if it's your memory or the hope of your sight

And though my story seems quite mundane and old

Simple, bland, common that needn't be told

I write it with just one desire

What I couldn't do in person

May be my words will transpire

Turns out, all one needs is sleeplessness and that one person to inspire

You, were that inspiration for me.

Some will accept it and some may fret

But everyone has that one song

Making our eyes wet

Reminding us, with whom we belong

You, were that song for me

There are a lot of people around

With whom I can laugh

But you and only you were the one with whom I could cry

And a man would never admit this

But to find "the one" like that is a persistent try

While people call it fate

That's how I define my soul mate

You, were that definition for me

With you gone, and the loss is hard to accommodate

I have come to realize

Though I know how to love, I can't get you to reciprocate

I may be hurt but not for once I resent

Just that I am a mere human

With a need to occasionally vent

And so I turned to writing and it feels cathartic and divine

Knowing what's lost was actually never mine

What's mine are my feelings

Which have come alive

Like a relentless emotional tide

This is a place with no present and

My future and past collide

This is where I found me

This is where I found you

This is where we realize

That I am you and

You are, me and my darkside

Image courtesy- http://crimison.tumblr.com/

Grandpa!

Prologue

Shaina looked down, stretched herself, laid still in that position for a few seconds and made another desperate attempt to keep her eyes open. It’s not easy to spend a night on a hospital bench, even if the hospital looks as luxurious as a five star hotel!

If it was not for, the thought of patients suffering, doctors running frantically in and out of wards and the persistent typical hospital smell, this building could well pass as a super luxury hotel rather than a super specialty hospital. From the interiors, the expensive plants on the aisles and the even more expensive paintings on the walls, it was obvious that it was meant only for the richer than the richest of the people. Shaina’s dad, being an NRI was one of those!

The reason for such fancy architecture, on the borderline of being grotesque, was indeed simple, to give the depressed patients and families, a reason to feel better. And she was staring at those walls looking for just that reason.

Story

Shaina was here because her grandfather, or as she learnt to call him, growing up in NYC, Poppy, was admitted here. He was 72 and had aged a little earlier than the family expected. Shaina’s father was a very rich and busy man. He had made a fortune in construction business in USA and was now expanding in the Middle East. But that meant not being there for his father in his twilight years. He tried to make amends in the last 3 years by moving back to India, yet seeing his father on his death bed, brought his guilt back.

Shaina was very close to her grandfather. She was 16 and had moved back to India an year before her parents. However she used to visit India, twice every year even without her parents. That, she thought, was her father’s way of overcompensating for his shortcomings as a son.

Its funny how being with someone on his deathbed is considered a way to absolve all failings of the past. Shaina’s grandfather was surrounded by many such failed people. A failed son, three failed younger siblings and a few failed nieces and nephews constituted the family of the patriarch. Shaina felt disgusted seeing the hypocrites around; the ones she was supposed to love and call family! Tonight, she forcibly sent everyone home. She wanted some lone time with her Poppy even if he was on a life support system and couldn’t open his eyes. Her father, neck deep in his guilt, however, refused to leave.

Over the years, Shaina had developed a very special bond with her grandpa that defied the obvious generation gap and cultural difference. She thought she may be a misfit in India, especially because she was staying with an old man. But she was amazed how these things never became an issue with grandpa. She had some anger for his father that he left his widower father alone in India on the mercy of servants and relatives. But she never let that out in front of grandpa, or that’s what she thought!

Seeing him deteriorate day by day had been very hard on her. She had shut herself from everyone and every update on his heath. For her, grandpa was always the same towering figure who overshadowed everyone in his company, including his super successful son. After all, he was an ex army man! Was that the reason of his father’s drift from him? Did he feel dwarfed by his father so much that he led an escapist’s life? These questions always troubled her, all the more because they were unanswered.

She suddenly felt someone was standing next to her. She looked up. It was an old, tall, frail, slightly hunched figure, with a shining face, captivating smile and eyes that had nothing but content in them.

He was her grandpa!

“What are you doing here? Aren’t you supposed to be on your bed?”-she asked authoritatively.

“Hey! Who is the grandfather here?”-he replied with a witty smile on his wrinkly face.

“I got bored of lying there kid, so I thought I would take a walk. The doctors and nurses weren’t around, so I seized the moment!”-he said with a wink! Guess, sense of humor never ages!

“Don’t be cheeky grandpa; this could be harmful for you. Go back and rest”.

“No kid, I need to talk to you”.

“What?”

“How are you doing and how are you taking all this?”

“What all?”

“You know, me dying and all!”-he said with a straight face.

“You are not dying grandpa, you are improving everyday!”-she answered while trying her best not to look at him!

She was in Denial!

“Sweetie, the doctors beg to differ from you!”

“I don’t care!”

“But I do”

“You care about what?”

“About you dear.”

“I am fine; you are the one who is sick. Go back grandpa, will you, please! You need doctors right now.”-she pleaded.

“Yes I need doctors! But you are the one who needs a grandpa around!”

“Then don’t die!”-she stared into his eyes and said angrily. And yes, she had inherited that straight face too!

No one said anything for a while. Shaina was welling up, but she didn’t want to cry in front of him. She put her head on his chest and he embraced her.

“Honey, I am dying, accept it!”-he said after a pause

“No, you are not dying”.

“I have to, my dear.”

“What? What do you mean, you have to?”-she looked up to him in sheer amaze. What was he saying?

“Shaina, old has to go for the new to take over. It’s like a relay race; I have to pass the baton to your dad.”

“You have already done that grandpa and he has taken over the family. He takes care of the aunts and the uncles. He is the father figure to them. “

“Then, what’s my point of hanging on anyway?”

“For me, Poppy!”-she said in a louder volume, though that made her conscious about her surroundings. She sounded irritated now. These reasons weren’t enough for him to give up, she thought.

“No sweetie, you don’t want me live like this.”

“You will be ok”-she sounded more doubtful than re-assuring!

“No I won’t be, trust me. If there was any hope of me leading a normal life again, I would live, for you! I am an army man!”

“Do you understand circle of life?”- he continued after a pause

“Yes, but today, I refuse to believe in it”.

“Well, it’s not your choice you know! I have completed my circle of life Shaina. When a baby is born he can’t speak a word, cannot walk and he is totally dependent on people around him. Today, I can barely talk; half my words don’t make any sense to people; I have lost my mobility and…..”- he paused

“And, what?”

“And I am on diapers again dear!”

Shaina looked at him in shock. For the first time in the entire conversation, she could empathize with him. Last month she had a hair-line fracture in her foot and her mobility was affected. It was not the pain, but the frustration, that drove her crazy. Even though she needed help just while getting down from the bed, the idea of needing someone around all the time was choking. She lowered her eyes as she didn’t want him to feel embarrassed. But she had to re-kindle the flame in him; the flame that saw him through years of loneliness and family apathy.

“I am sorry grandpa; I didn’t want to embarrass you.”

“Don’t worry kid, you won’t embarrass me! I know how much you care for me. You are my Angel! You are the reason I could survive for so long.”

Survive; bingo! He said the word. She is not going to let this go!

“So, what happened now? Where is that zeal? Where is that Colonel’s attitude? You are just 72!”- she said as she was interrogating him.

“Ha Ha Ha!”- he laughed out loudly in a typical style reminiscent of his army background. She swiftly signaled him to be quiet by putting her fingers on his mouth. He grinned sheepishly and continued-

“You sure know how to convince someone!”-both smiled! Just like the good old times!

“Tell me something”- he continued in a serious voice- “how did you feel when your parents moved here? What bothered you the most? Be honest!”

“Well, my whole life was there! My school, my friends, my routine; everything! I still miss them sometimes.”

“How many of my friends have you seen visiting me in the last 3 years?” he said with a sigh, trying to look away. Now, he noticed the walls too!

“None!”-she said in a low voice. She knew where he was getting at. She didn’t want him to get there!

“You know why? Because they are either dead or sick or so far that I can’t travel due to my ripe age and same for them. Now, I know, at this age, with a beautiful family around, I shouldn’t be complaining. But, kid, sometimes I have to be selfish.”

“Beautiful family! Really!” –she said in disbelief, stressing on the adjective he used!

“Aha! There comes the taboo topic. You think my family has failed me, including your father. Isn’t it?”

She didn’t say anything. She was about to accuse her father. She has avoided this talk for long, but now was the time!

“Yes!”-she finally gathered enough courage to have this conversation.

“Ok! Let me get it straight Shaina. They didn’t fail me. You can trust me. I needn’t protect anyone because I am dying. I wasn’t perfect either dear. I always put my duty before my family. I wasn’t there for him for most of his childhood and youth. I tried to be a part of his life later, but by then, I guess, I had already inflicted enough pain. And the rest of them, I really don’t care, neither should you!”

He tried to convince his granddaughter how bad a father he was! Talk about caring!

“But dad tried to get back at you by leaving you alone here”

There it was; the final blow!

“No kid! Initially, he wanted me to move. It was me who didn’t want to come out of the comfort zone. Then, he gave up.”

For the first time Shaina saw her dad in a different light. She could now interpret his quiet and self-indulgent escapist behavior. No one was at fault; neither her grandpa, who was just serving his country, nor her father, who was coping with an empty childhood.

“He used to force me to visit you.”- she said in a low voice, though smiling. “I know! He is a good kid. Shaina, don’t resent your father. He could take my indifference while growing up, but he wouldn’t be able to take the same from you when he is ageing.”- he said with a heavy voice.

Shaina nodded her head in affirmative. The silent gesture of gratitude by her father towards grandpa was now becoming clear to her.

“Shaina, one more thing.”

“What”?

“Let go, Angel!”

She looked at him. No words were required. Think about what you are asking grandpa, she wanted to say. You are asking me to keep this mental image for the rest of my life and that’s all. But for the first time she could see a content old man in the strong image of her grandfather; the old man who, at this point, was asking for death from life; the old man who could see positives in all the negativity around. He wanted to meet his old friends and his wife; he wanted the ability to take control of his life, in a strange way though. From the helpless state of immobility he wanted to transcend into the state where he could fly! It was time for her to grow up!

She started crying and hugged her grandfather. She wanted to hold him tight, even though she knew he wanted to escape, forever! She fumbled for words but said while being in his embrace-

“Yes! I would let go grandpa, for your peace, when the time comes. But promise me, you won’t give up. Now, please go back and rest, or rather fight, my army man!”- she smiled at her last word.

“Shaina, look around, where am I?”- he lifted her head up.

She was shocked at his question and looked up unsure what was she looking for!

“What do you mean? You are sitting in front of me!”

“Then who is that person lying on the bed?”-he pointed at a room

There was a man lying there, with tubes and machines all around him. He looked as if he was in deep slumber, unaware and peaceful. Her dad had fallen asleep next to him, holding his hand. He looked like her grandpa! She looked over the glass door and then looked back the person sitting in front of him. They were the same people!

“What is happening grandpa?”-she asked in disbelief.

“I am already dead Shaina, but I couldn’t go leaving you in denial and resenting your father. I couldn’t have handled that even in the beyond. I had to wait.”

She was taken aback. Was she dreaming? What was real?

But it took her only a moment to realize that it was her grandfather’s love and care for her that even after his “death” he couldn’t leave her reeling in pain and loaded with questions. Most importantly, he had to convince her that letting go was best for her.

She looked up at him and tried to say something but could manage only a few tears! Seeing her getting lost for words, he said calmly-

“Now, I can go peacefully. Take care of your father kid!”

He kissed her forehead, got up and started walking. She kept looking till she lost his sight.

Grandpa was gone. Grandpa was at peace.

Epilogue

“Shaina!”-someone called her name. She wiped her tears and looked around, it was her dad.

“Shaina, grandpa is gone”-he said with a lump in his throat, fighting back his tears.

“I know dad”-she said composing herself, “and he went peacefully”-she added while looking over her shoulder in the direction where he walked off and mumbled- “rest in peace, Poppy!”

She hugged her dad who couldn’t hold back anymore.

“Let it out dad, let it out! I love you! “

She looked at the paintings on the wall again. Now she knew, they were there for the departing souls too!

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There is something about Mary(s)

Prologue

Not every chapter in one’s life has an end, like this story with no climax. This one has just characters.

When we start telling a story, or even start reading one, all of us, tend to think about the end. It is reasonable if it is fiction but probably not in real life.

Life comes to us in chapters and, more often than naught, they overlap. How often does it happen that something you felt has ended actually comes back and your past hits your present right where it hurts the most. Plug in a little Love and all this becomes a regular occurrence!

So if you are expecting a climax, it is not my inability to write it, but my theory that it doesn’t exist. After all, Life has only one climax!

All these characters may be present simultaneously in each other’s lives and affect each other every day.

I am sure if you look a little closely, you will find a lot of people who resemble my characters and whose life resemble this story!

Their chapters are overlapping now and the end is not in sight!

Instead of saying more here, I welcome all the readers to come up with their version of the climax!

Story

Character 1) Mary

Mary, a girl who attracts everyone’s attention without trying!

Mary, a girl who can be best described as Mysterious because “you think you know her, but you almost always never see the other side”!

Mary, a girl who metamorphosizes from a girl next door to a suave and svelte “chic” in a blink of an eye!

Mary, a girl who is mature yet childish and who is irritating at times yet forever adorable!

Mary, a girl who has somehow made her confusion and inability to take decisions, her most sought quality.

But this story is not about Mary. This story is about all those who like Mary.

See, Mary isn’t one single girl, Mary is a concept.

Marys are everywhere. They are the ones whom everyone likes and whom everyone wants to be in a relationship with. And, they are also the ones, who end up with the most unpredictable underdog..!

Alas! Every time a Mary goes away, another Mary walks into a man’s life. It’s a vicious cycle! And hence, we never learn a lesson.

3 types of guys like Mary, based on their nature and, more importantly, their behavior with the Mary in question. For the sake of the story, they have been named with their most distinct character trait.

Character 2) Mr. Courage-the desire for Care

He is the stud. He is the quintessential Hero.

He is a famous guy, famous for all the right reasons. He is everybody’s “go-to” guy, everybody’s favorite and cynosure of all eyes.

He is not polite with Mary but is definitely very fond of her.

He troubles her, fights with her, throws tantrums at her and yet manages to take care of her.

However, for Mary, there is another behavioral trait added to him-Anger.

Anger and love go hand in hand, mostly because of jealousy and indecision.

But for our Mr. Courage and Mary, there is a stranger source of Anger in their relationship-Care!

It is hard to care for someone who is careless about herself.

And that’s exactly what bothers Mr. Courage.

Mary is careless about herself in every possible way-her image, her choices and her preferences. Mr. Courage can’t handle that and can’t be quiet about that either.

That’s why he is called Mr. Courage because he has the guts to tell her, right in her face, that she is wrong. He doesn’t mince his words and is pretty blunt at times.

Not that Mary doesn’t approve of this or doesn’t realize his importance in her life but after a point it becomes unbearable for Mr. Courage to see Mary getting hurt so often.

Ignorance is strange. It is both an action and a reaction of the human mind. It is both a problem and a solution, though a short term one.

It is a weapon used best used by Marys of this world. They ignore whatever, whoever and whenever at their own sweet convenience.

Even our Mary, when loses the patience and courage to face him, ignores him. Mr. Courage also has to distance himself from Mary to protect himself from the pain and anguish.

While Mary ignoring him is a short term solution (or a reaction), him ignoring Mary eventually become self-destructing and requires immediate action.

Therefore his attempts aren’t very successful and he falls back to the vicious cycle of Mary damaging herself, him getting angry, trying to change her, failing in that, distancing himself, inability to take that distance and then its starts all over again!

Character 3) Mr. Attention Seeker-the desire for Time

Not white, definitely.

Not black, probably.

Grey.

Grey is the color of life. Grey defines the persona of Mr. Attention Seeker

There are two types of attention seekers, Loud and Silent. Loud ones are dubbed as cheap while the silent ones masquerade as intellectuals.

The Marys fall for the silent ones.

He is one person who lives on the extremes. He swings between being the best and the worst.

His love is different from others, his is obsession. He started off as a normal guy, friendly. But soon his other side was revealed, a side about which probably he was unaware too!

What’s surprising is that Marys acknowledged that. What you can’t achieve in passion, you can snatch in obsession.

Calling Mary gullible would be an insult to her intelligence but maybe it’s the inherent curiosity or the love for drama of the female mind, which leads them to a point of no-return with such guys.

He craved for Mary’s attention and her time. It was suffocating for him and both were well aware of that, but neither of them backed out. Whenever Mary tried to do it, his silence and his masochism dragged her back into the vortex. He manipulated her at his own will.

His silence became his most potent weapon. His silence, his sadness, his suffocation and, in one of the rare cases, Mary yielded to, well, his fakeness!

If she is with him, it’s all fine. But the moment she goes away, his drama starts. He preys on Mary’s kind-heartedness.

He sits alone in the dark as if he is the biggest loner of the world. A loner is not the one who stays secluded, but the one who feels lonely in a room filled with people. But Marys don’t get this simple definition. He calls her when she has company, makes her come out of the group and be with him. They may not even talk or may do their individual things, but still, he needs her in his vicinity. Mary not only loses her friends but also her repute. He is her Achilles Heel!

The kind of mental torture she has been subjected too because of him is unprecedented.

One wonders why a modern, educated, 21^st century girl would undergo all this. Probably, because she is too nice or because she has the guilt of pushing a guy from a state of normalcy to a state of pathological obsession.

Nobody will ever know!

“Triya Charitram Purushashya bhagya; Devo na janahi kuto manushya” (Even God couldn’t understand a woman’s mind (and a man’s luck), how can a human even try!-a saying from the Vedas)

Character 4) Mr. Sheer Admirer-the desire for Utopia

He is a believer who believes in Life and embraces it, with open hands.

He believes in Love and how it triumphs all.

He believes Love is expressed-good with actions, better with words and best with silence.

He is a dreamer too.

His dreams are extremely orthodox, yet they are re-assuring of the fact that why fairy-tales can still exist, why poetry is still alive and why utopia can still be created.

In this crazy world of betrayal and break-ups, divorces and debauchery, his take on Love is as pure as dew, as refreshing as the fall breeze and as deep and profound as a woman’s heart!

And yes, he believes in Marys of this world too.

He didn’t just fall for Mary. He adores her.

There is a sense of innocence in his liking for Mary.

He is an intelligent guy, but with Mary, he is just an admirer. A fan, if you will!

His love is simple. He doesn’t necessarily want her, he wants her happiness.

While he is there to protect her from the attention seekers he doesn’t mind pushing her towards Mr. Courage too.

In some ways he resembles Mr. Courage when he wants her to make the right decisions. However, when he realizes he is not going to succeed, he doesn’t react as Mr. Courage. He quietly let her go ahead, make the mistake and then waits for her at the other end to save her from the fall. He advices her, consoles her and prepares her for the next challenge. His belief and positive attitude keeps him going and that’s his only, demand, from her too. Just keep going!

Life could be easy if someone wants it to be. Every roadblock can seem small in a larger picture. His attempts to make Mary see the larger pictures are based on his own way of leading life.

He laughs off all the tough situations life has to offer him and that’s where Mary misconstrues him. She takes his humor as carelessness and interprets someone else’s (read:Mr. Attention seeker’s) silence as intellect. Naturally, a person wants to be intellectual than careless! What she doesn’t see is the pain behind that smiling face, the silence behind that chatterbox and the loneliness in the life of a man who is never seen alone!

In the words of Mark Twain, “The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.”

He thinks someday Mary will see the larger picture; someday she could clear the cloud of self doubt and indecisiveness. And that day, he may or may not have her, but she would be happy. That smiling image of Mary, which is etched in his mind, is his Utopia!

The Dream is on!

Epilogue

This was never about a girl with 3 men in her life. That would be over-simplification of the whole idea. It wasn't about just men. I am very confident that there could be a female version of the same post, with even more characters!

These characters may not be present at the same time as well. All my male protagonists could be a single human being too, just reacting distinctly with different Marys or struggling to find their real persona after a series of failed pursuits!

However, the under-current is striking a balance between your character traits. No one is perfect.

The day we strike that balance, with the one who is meant for us, we could be as careful as want, as possessive as we want and we would have a Utopia regardless!

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Searching...YOU..!!!

There haven't been many girls who have influenced me, bettered me, hurt me or made me feel special and good. And those who did any of that, could not be with me for long for some or the other reason.

Circumstance is a cruel word. So is Time.

However, there was one girl who did all. And , as usual, we are apart now. I don't know who to blame for it. I took the decision to leave the country, circumstances favored it and time didn't create any problem..!

Now, here I am, sitting thousands of miles away from her wondering whether or not we will ever meet and searching Her in every new girl I meet. It’s crazy, it’s strange but don't blame me because it’s Inexplicable!

I think Her being a girl is not an issue here. It’s her persona that I miss. Her habits, her energy, her craziness, her concern, her care, her……the list goes on..!

Her carelessness hurt me sometimes because I am a kind of person who likes to have some order in life. But a super-extended sorry, till the “y” starts to sound like “e”, always worked. It’s very human to be attached to someone who makes you feel special. And she did that. She would talk to me when she was happy, sad or tensed. She shared, I shared. What else could I have possibly asked for? Or should I have asked for more? I would never know. She was "just a friend"...and I was contended ! I still am and I always will be.

I am in a strange phase of my life now. I try to find Her in every person I meet. And strangely, I find some or the other trait of Hers in everyone. One is bubbly like Her , other is always in a hurry like Her. One of them seems all tensed and serious about studies and taking notes etc during the class and leaves all the concern before she walks out of the classroom!!! :) Someone is childish like Her and someone suddenly starts talking maturely….a special quality of Hers.

I am still searching but I have realized one thing, I would not find someone else like her. She would always be the yardstick against which I will judge people and possibly rate them.

Desire for More is the root cause of every success in this world.

I agree.

But there is a very thin line that separates Desire for More from Discontentment for Life. Ironically, Desire for More can lead you to such a point where there is just a Void which can’t be filled. So, logically I shall move on. But as I said, it’s crazy, it’s strange but don't blame me because it’s Inexplicable!

So
I am Searching YOU..!