I recently lost a dream. It's strange to lose something that's psychical in origin, evanescent in existence and meta-physical in interpretation. I was taught that having, preserving and relishing a dream is the way to success. So I dreamt, big. I was made to believe that dreams don't come true without working hard, so I did. They said patience is the key. So I persevered.
My dream to me was the liberation of the spirit from the natural pressures; A buoyant force that freed my soul from the shackles of the matter.
And then, I lost it.
I lost something that had occupied me for as long as I could remember. It had governed my actions and conduct. It was the string that tied all the otherwise inexplicable fragments of my life. My dream was my subconscious giving all that around me, a meaning.
With my dream, I lost my subconscious and it took along the people, the places and the relationships, it once defined and gave meaning to.
Karma, my religion taught me, is the greatest and the fairest justice of all.
My dream was my Karma.
"Living a dream" is misinterpreted. You can have a dream in your future and your past, but you don't ever have it in your present. As they say-"Dreams are but sea-foam". If it were to become your present, or you "realize" a dream, it simply becomes worldly, losing the enigmatic self that elevated it to the levels of being mythical. It becomes your story; your Life.
In many ways, I lost my reality.
A dream is lost when you lose the Desire to sleep at night as that will mark the end of another day you wished didn't happen. And a dream is lost when after every such night you still want to wake up in the past. To live such an illusion, you wish that there was no morning, no sunlight and not another new date in this forced chapter of your life.
A dream is lost when it takes with it the very Faith that drove you to have that dream in the first place. It's more than losing confidence as confidence is merely the reaffirmation of one's own abilities while Faith is the spiritual stamp of approval to trust and back yourself . When the spiritual is lost, the physical has no meaning.
A dream is lost when you steer without Direction. A man can handle setbacks and adversities as long as there is a perceived path ahead. The road ahead might be rough or smooth, bright or dark, easy or difficult, but it's still a path nevertheless. And a dream is lost when you can't distinguish between facing a wall or a crossroad.
A dream is lost when the Realization sinks in that no matter what the future holds, better or worse, you can still never go back to the status quo you once cherished. And you know that this change is irreversible and what's lost can't be replaced or regained. For that matter, you also know that calling it a "change" is undermining the havoc of this apocalypse.
When the dust settled, the passersby came to help me gather the pieces. They simply asked me to look ahead and start afresh.
Till there is breath in me, there would always be a future, and people would point towards that telling me to aim for a new and better tomorrow. Life, they say, always finds a way. I find that flawed. What I have lost, and what I might gain, cannot be equated.
Balance, is irrelevant to me.
Losses redefine the parameters. It's then the mind accepts dreams as a useless and morbid exercise keeping us afloat for no reason. We start aiming for the low hanging fruits, consoling ourselves consciously, by instancing the past failures. This new definition of success is impudent to your lost dream, but we ignore it, in the name of life.
A dream is lost when the only Motivation in life remains to connect every dot to get the same pattern that defined your dream once. Time will pass and people will move on but I would find myself living in the same matrix trying to relive the manifestation of the dream that once was.