October 17, 2009

Excuse me, I am just a Human!

People claim that I am a Human. However, the more I think, the more I seem to disagree with this.
Not because of any extra-terrestrial physical attribute, but because of the mere fact that I don’t lie about who I am. Or, at least , I don’t want to lie anymore.
What is so bad about being bad? Isn’t BLACK a color of spectrum called LIFE? So why not accept it?
I am not nice…at least not always and definitely not with everyone.

I am jealous when people who are equally qualified than me get better opportunities.

I am envy of people who are better than me, and yes, I don’t get consoled by cliché dialogs like “try your level best” or “analyze your strengths and weaknesses” or “you were good too, it was very close”. I want what they have, by hook or crook.

I don’t mind to bend the rules to get benefit.

I have my own set of values and morals and I don’t want to follow the societal norms for better or worse.

When my friend tells me that he got something what we both desired for, the first feeling in my heart is not admiration or elation for him. What I get is a deep long lasting pain , as if somebody just stabbed me right through my heart with a sharp knife. And I know, he would have felt exactly the same way, if it was me who got that.

I may forgive, but I never forget.
Rahiman dhaga prem ka mat todo chatkaye, toot ke fir na judde, judde ghant pad jaye! (Rahim says don’t break the thread of love,because though you may tie it back , there will be a knot forever)

When my girlfriend breaks up with me, I don’t wish her good luck. I wish her loneliness and singledom for life and my aim in life from that day is to get a new girlfriend who is better in EVERY aspect than her so that I can look back at her and say………..” I WIN!”

It’s always about winning , the concept of “participation” is flawed.

I am not “my brother” or “neighbor’s son” or worse “my father”. I AM ME.
Stop smothering me.

So do you hate me now? Is this all new for you? Are all these thoughts restricted to me? Am I abnormal? Or emotionally challenged? I don’t know the answers.

This is how I see it.

I am a normal person. And the testimony to that are these feelings. These are the truths of life. Life isn’t simple, though we all wish it was.
Let’s accept these truths. At least I don’t want to hide them anymore. I want to break free.
I am not a bad person. I don’t want to feel any of the things mentioned above.
I wish I could stop experiencing these, and I am trying. Trust me, I am. Accepting these vices is a step towards that.
Accept me for what I am. Accept me with my vices.
If you still like me, you are my true well wisher. If you don’t then…....Excuse me, I am just a Human !

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October 4, 2009


There haven't been many girls who have influenced me, bettered me, hurt me or made me feel special and good. And those who did any of that, could not be with me for long for some or the other reason.

Circumstance is a cruel word. So is Time.

However, there was one girl who did all. And , as usual, we are apart now. I don't know who to blame for it. I took the decision to leave the country, circumstances favored it and time didn't create any problem..!

Now, here I am, sitting thousands of miles away from her wondering whether or not we will ever meet and searching Her in every new girl I meet. It’s crazy, it’s strange but don't blame me because it’s Inexplicable!

I think Her being a girl is not an issue here. It’s her persona that I miss. Her habits, her energy, her craziness, her concern, her care, her……the list goes on..!

Her carelessness hurt me sometimes because I am a kind of person who likes to have some order in life. But a super-extended sorry, till the “y” starts to sound like “e”, always worked. It’s very human to be attached to someone who makes you feel special. And she did that. She would talk to me when she was happy, sad or tensed. She shared, I shared. What else could I have possibly asked for? Or should I have asked for more? I would never know. She was "just a friend"...and I was contended ! I still am and I always will be.

I am in a strange phase of my life now. I try to find Her in every person I meet. And strangely, I find some or the other trait of Hers in everyone. One is bubbly like Her , other is always in a hurry like Her. One of them seems all tensed and serious about studies and taking notes etc during the class and leaves all the concern before she walks out of the classroom!!! :) Someone is childish like Her and someone suddenly starts talking maturely….a special quality of Hers.

I am still searching but I have realized one thing, I would not find someone else like her. She would always be the yardstick against which I will judge people and possibly rate them.

Desire for More is the root cause of every success in this world.

I agree.

But there is a very thin line that separates Desire for More from Discontentment for Life. Ironically, Desire for More can lead you to such a point where there is just a Void which can’t be filled. So, logically I shall move on. But as I said, it’s crazy, it’s strange but don't blame me because it’s Inexplicable!

I am Searching YOU..!