October 17, 2009

Excuse me, I am just a Human!


People claim that I am a Human. However, the more I think, the more I seem to disagree with this.
Not because of any extra-terrestrial physical attribute, but because of the mere fact that I don’t lie about who I am. Or, at least , I don’t want to lie anymore.
What is so bad about being bad? Isn’t BLACK a color of spectrum called LIFE? So why not accept it?
I am not nice…at least not always and definitely not with everyone.

I am jealous when people who are equally qualified than me get better opportunities.

I am envy of people who are better than me, and yes, I don’t get consoled by cliché dialogs like “try your level best” or “analyze your strengths and weaknesses” or “you were good too, it was very close”. I want what they have, by hook or crook.

I don’t mind to bend the rules to get benefit.

I have my own set of values and morals and I don’t want to follow the societal norms for better or worse.

When my friend tells me that he got something what we both desired for, the first feeling in my heart is not admiration or elation for him. What I get is a deep long lasting pain , as if somebody just stabbed me right through my heart with a sharp knife. And I know, he would have felt exactly the same way, if it was me who got that.

I may forgive, but I never forget.
Rahiman dhaga prem ka mat todo chatkaye, toot ke fir na judde, judde ghant pad jaye! (Rahim says don’t break the thread of love,because though you may tie it back , there will be a knot forever)

When my girlfriend breaks up with me, I don’t wish her good luck. I wish her loneliness and singledom for life and my aim in life from that day is to get a new girlfriend who is better in EVERY aspect than her so that I can look back at her and say………..” I WIN!”

It’s always about winning , the concept of “participation” is flawed.

I am not “my brother” or “neighbor’s son” or worse “my father”. I AM ME.
Stop smothering me.

So do you hate me now? Is this all new for you? Are all these thoughts restricted to me? Am I abnormal? Or emotionally challenged? I don’t know the answers.

This is how I see it.

I am a normal person. And the testimony to that are these feelings. These are the truths of life. Life isn’t simple, though we all wish it was.
Let’s accept these truths. At least I don’t want to hide them anymore. I want to break free.
I am not a bad person. I don’t want to feel any of the things mentioned above.
I wish I could stop experiencing these, and I am trying. Trust me, I am. Accepting these vices is a step towards that.
Accept me for what I am. Accept me with my vices.
If you still like me, you are my true well wisher. If you don’t then…....Excuse me, I am just a Human !


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19 comments :

  1. Jealousy, envy, greed, lust and individuality are the very definition of a human being. If you don't desire wealth,fame and women, you are either deluded or you are the Buddha!
    Good post, but if you want some more feedback I'll mail you back. Take care.

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  2. On a lighter note, black isn't a colour in the spectrum - it is the absence of colours. :P

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  3. Plus, here's something to ponder upon:

    If you are ever jelous when people get more than you do, do you also see the good fortune you've had in people who haven't done as much as you do? Take me for instance (I suppose you put me on the same pedestal as you stand, and I'm not going anywhere out of Vellore) - again, I'm trying to bring this in your perspective. I have a whole other way of looking at life. Not trying to change you or anything, but just make the best of what you have! Cheers! :D

    And I hope you would continue writing at politically incorrect: this one's just too deep and dark for simpletons like me. :)

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  4. dude i liked ur's old one more than this one..yaar what happened to you USA people..every one is like approaching to salvation or redemption...now only whipping is left..D.saiki is also writing the same type of blog...dude its your time to enjoy your life to the fullest..when u will turn to 60 and get retirement and nothing much left to do then ... Read Morelook back and write an autobiography of politically incorrect man.
    if its not a work of fiction like you claimed for old one then its an honest and sincere effort of self analysis(atam manthan)..i appreciate it and hope one day i will pen down the same kind of thought and let u no..)

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  5. @shahsank
    dont blame usa dude..:)..u know how i much i love this place..!
    its just that i wanna grow up and wanna be a lil more than just a blogger...the posts are not exclusively about me but i accept that i have experienced some of these things...and seen others observing the rest...just wanna see the other side...cant be happy bubbly cheerful all the time....and as u said its "atma manthan" and also probably my effort to analyze the world around me...!
    thanks for reading patiently and commenting on it too...continue that..!

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  6. @vignesh
    dude i am happy u can see what i wanna ppl to see...if u consider urself an under achiever or unlucky ( i disagree though about under achiever part..) then u must have felt what i have written at some point of time...or ur Budddha..! :)
    my point was this only that a person has to feel all this...it is not right..but it cannot be logically explained....so the only thing we can do is to accept the vices...!

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  7. naveen kumar chaudharyOctober 18, 2009 at 12:22 AM

    read ur blog....as usual i have always liked ur genre of writing....and this time was no different!! actually whatever you wrote is so very true....a person is not good or bad!!! he is always good and bad!! this is the the dark side of him....i think this is present in everyone of us and to see it and accept it needs real audacity!! yaar whenever you write anything just mail it to me as i dont know why whenever and whatever you write i feel i can connect those things with myself....
    one more thing as i always say,do get serious about writing cos i think u can communicate better with your words and seriously yaar your writings always leave me to think a lot...cant say for good or bad!!
    keep it up bhai....
    waiting for few for gem from ur side...

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  8. Nope, I don't consider myself an under-achiever (arguably one of my vices - I'm complacent, smug, and selfish enough).
    Here's my point (again): it's true you can't rationalise what you've written down, but accepting the vice isn't the end of it. If you realise that it isn't good, do something to make your life better. Like I said earlier, make the best of what you have! Cheers! :D

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  9. congrats for being a normal human being.Kam,krodh,lobh,moh,maya are the elements that must be present in every normal human being only extent could differ.With out these man would become a God and will get Moksh.SO never try to improve your self becoz i like my very good friend as a normal human being not God..D And do thanks to me for accepting and tolerating you with all these bad things..D

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  10. @vignesh
    i agree with u partly when you say that everyone should do something to make their life better...and everybody tries to do the same...in the process, at some or the other point in life, we feel all this...
    and leave jealousy and envy for some time...what about rest of the points? do u disagree with them as well?

    @shashank

    thank u for accepting me the way i am...but remember..i have done the same by making u my friend... :D...lol.!

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  11. honest self analysis is good.But i would say...there should be an effort to reform urself.coz the very attributes which u say and which infact are an integral part of our character are the fundamental reasons for grief.Anger,envy,greed really make life miserable.I am not giving u a sermon.Definitely you must have felt it too.My opinion is do not forget but at the same time do not regret.at last i would cheer u up by a quote from DDLJ "sapne dekho bas unke purey hone ki ummid na karo"

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  12. i think u have very candidly expressed a so called negative side of every human..i am sure each one of has felt a similar vicious feeling as put forth by you at some point of time or the other...the only difference is that we are not willing to accept that we have some negative feelings.or we can see it like - we are not bold enough to accept our hidden, innate negative side..and those pious people claiming not to have any such negative dispostions can be best termed as hypocrites..jealosy ,envy and anger and ofcourse bad,but they are even good in some aspects..in some way envy spurs a competitive spirit.Let me put it bluntly: when someone says that i am a fan of someone/i admire some one it precisely means that he envious of the admired person..it means that u want to be in his postion..

    So basically the thing is that everyone has some good and bad qualities..every coin has two sides..no mortal being can have only virtues and no vices..no whatever feeling u have portrayed are very much ok ..and that doesnt make u bad( as are asking ) in any way..
    only we have to ensure that the negative side(or as u say dark side) doesnt overshadows our positive dispostion..
    haaha..now thats enough of philosopy on my part..bye..keep posting..

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  13. Well!! The best of the friends that I have got in my life have accepted me for what I am. And believe me there is no better feeling than knowing that no matter what you may think say or do there are your folks who accept it happily knowing that yes, this , my buddy Rishi can do.
    That blind faith probably is the one thing which makes those friends stand out of the lot

    Anyway coming to this topic that you have touched I thought of writing it separately then paste it here but it could never happen and I dint want to delay my comment on this blog so here I go.

    In my personality and probably in everyone there is part which is dark. The part which is jealous of people, which desires everything desirable irrespective of the fact whether it is moral or not, which gets happiness in someone else's misery, which is restlessly longing for everything normally you would not want to accept that you long for, which is disintegrated decomposed. And if only you realize that you have a part like this in you you would be deeply disgusted by yourself and a person with a weak heart may just go in deep depression or commit suicide.

    The question here is - what may cause a person to not accept that he actually has a dark side ?
    Your answer may be that the truth is just so ugly that the person just can not accept it. Is it running away from reality ? Probably yes.. or may be not...

    Have you ever thought of robbing a bank to be rich or did it ever occur to you that you can actually rape a girl? Did you ever imagine your girl to be in trouble with some gangster who is tearing off her clothes and suddenly you reach there to protect her ? Is it normal to imagine someone in trouble just so that you can protect her to win her heart? Belive me its disgusting.
    This very weakness of a person , is what makes you human. We are humans we are weak. Take it as a fact. Whether you like it or not you are just weak enough to be the "villain" of any movie. And I do not understand why is it so important to be the hero always.

    Does it make you a bad person ? What do you mean by "make" you ? If this is already a part no one is making you a bad person you already are.
    Now that is the first picture.
    The other side of it , unless you know the problem you can never solve it , unless you can accept that there is this dark side you would never be able to handle it well and sooner or later by one shock or the other , if not after your first breakup probably after second you would become just weak enough to "be bad". WOuld that make you happy ? Ofcourse it would , the whole sense of Bad or negative personality per se is nothing but just another way to satisfy ourselves. As you clearly pointed out in original post that when a person with the same skills gets a better opportunity you dont feel euphoric rather you feel bad , and that bad feeling is nothing but a way to console yourself by finding out something bad about that person. You can very well end up saying that the blah blah girl slept with the boss to get that opportunity.
    Was that bad ?
    Ofcourse if we start judging it on the established standards of morality. But in my opinion there is nothing wrong in having a negative side and as you start exploring it more and more your skewed personality starts becoming acceptable by others as well. WHy ? Thats matter of a whole new article.

    So my suggestion , do not be afraid of what you may have wrong in you, get it out , see it yourself and show it to your friends that would be the first step towards making the wrong right.

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  14. as said by a gentleman
    " they r there but their dominance over the counter thoughts of goodness and strength comes only in phases.These phases depend upon total well being of the individual.A moderate dose is not to be feared at or ashamed of."

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  15. another gentleman on the same thing
    "everyone has a dark-side
    which one reveals to only those most close
    else one is able to and is good enuf to hide it
    from the rest of the world"

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  16. If any man ever dared to translate all that is in his heart, to put down what is really his experience, what is truly his truth, I think then the world would end. in one of my blog posts i wrote..that man is barbaric and we civilize ourselves in order to survive! being human is not an excuse for wat we are.

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  17. Wow so many ppl said so much!!! I seldom read blogs cuz am not into this thing..but since you posted it again, I read it out of curiosity.

    And isn't "curiosity" an indispensable character of human being? Now that I have read this post of yours (the incentive being "curiosity"), I am prompted to express my views (of course about you cuz its a post all about yourself) cuz thats the one thing we as a human are always good at- to express views!!

    Now that if I have my own views about you, I am being "Judgmental". And once we get judgmental about anything, we knowingly or unknowingly fell into a so called virtual pool which is defined as "Comparison". And the basis of this comparison you have already provided- The positive and negative/darker side of yours in specific and us in general.

    Once you sit and start to compare, the ideas you share are going to be either appreciated or criticized. Those who appreciate see the positive side of yours, those who are critical see the other side. And human nature tends to see both the side as we always want to appreciate few things and hate others. One thing to us looks better than the other. If there is something beautiful, there has to be something called ugly. This beautiful thing makes us complacent, the ugly thing can fill hatred within.
    We always have those two invincible feeling within us- one of accepting things in and around us, the other being hatred and fear of being hated.

    And since we all live with these two feelings within us, we love or we hate. We love some people around us and we hate few others citing some reasons cuz we like to have some reason for something. We love to be the best, probably rich, smart, intelligent and everything we could...and hate to be someone being hated. This creepy mind within us never stops thinking. Cuz we never want it to stop from. It thinks about everything that can be thought.

    Our nature has been generated from what we want. Desire is the evil of all. We are always going to love some aspects of our life and hate few, this includes oneself and all others. I don't know how much to correlate all this with your thoughts or how much you will correlate yours with mine. All we can do is learn to live and move on. Of course this is the worst we can do, cuz there is nothing better we can.

    To conclude, I have nothing to put as conclusion. Do you have one? I wonder if anybody can conclude about a human mind with absolute surety.

    P.S.- Life is much more if we are just Grateful instead of being Judgmental (and that is my view; and there I go judgmental again. Can we avoid it? Nope!!).

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  18. @Ramya
    Definitely being Human is not an excuse for being barbaric or having a negative personality. But having a nature like that is definitely not in your hands , we all are born like that , we get that part in the software package that God installs in us. So the best thing that we can do is get this negative part out infront of people who we really care about and vice versa. Because they are the only ones who can help us with that.
    Not necessarily we all need help , but if one does , accepting it should be the first thing towards improving it.
    Unless you accept/know that you have indigestion you wouldn't take Digene would you ? or any other remedy for any problem.

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  19. @rishi,
    i knw what ure trying to say..but then again would we want to take the ppl we care abt for granted and let them be guniea pigs to our tantrums? all im sayin is..everyone has fits of rage..and varied emotions..but then its all about taking control..and like u said dealing with it..but id say deal with it while findin the root cause instead of cuttin the rotten leaves.

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Now, it is time to be honest !